L-O-V-E

He grew on me. Little by little, day by day, until he became ingrained in me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment or even the month when it happened, but around 12 years ago, I knew. I had a partner. Forever.

I had only just turned 21 when we got engaged. I was still a kid. Bright-eyed and anxious to begin "really" living. I craved adventure, independence and purpose. It's quite paradoxical that I would want to enter into a lifelong commitment - in the Catholic Church nonetheless - where they make it essentially impossible to reverse the deal.  But it made perfect sense to me.

We drove out west to Cali in a half-empty UHAUL, with nothing but $1000 in the bank (mostly from wedding gifts) and an amazingly generous uncle with a spare bedroom. There we were: newlyweds, on bunk beds, snuggling on the full-size bed on the bottom while using the top bunk for storage.

Fast-forward 5 years and we're headed back on I-10 East in an overflowing UHAUL with contents ranging from a baby crib to a foosball table. We're far from being settled but that's how we've liked it so far.  I'm not sure I ever want to be settled. It makes me anxious. See, I have many commitment phobias: to cities, to jobs, even to a particular cocktail. Sometimes it's a simple scotch and soda and at others a fancy French 75. It depends on the mood, the lighting, the weather. I have often wished I could be that girl with a signature look - like Gwen Stefani with that red lipstick or Katherine Hepburn with those killer pantsuits. I'm much too fickle for any of that.

Yet I never once had an inkling of a doubt to commit to P. Why? Was it a cosmic connection? My soulmate? Destiny? The romantic, Jane Austen-loving fool in me would like to think so. What I must have always known was that a life with P meant a life of freedom. Because when you're loved so honestly by another you cannot help but feel free to love yourself.  The good, the bad, the neurotic, the emotional human being that is me - I feel free to be me!  

I know we do a lot of stupid things when we are young but marrying P was the smartest thing I ever did.

Give + Take

"Making a decision to have a child - it's momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"

Elizabeth Stone, author. 

I read this somewhere and it has stuck with me. It describes motherhood exactly, precisely - does it not? Tiny tears form in my eyes as I write this. I attempt to conceal them for fear of being discovered. Fear of those around me catching on that I am in LOVE.  Crazily, intoxicatingly IN LOVE with my LO.   

While lazily sipping my latte, as I often do while LO is at school, the quote came to mind. Is it even possible to be so overcome with love? To be so full that it feels as though your heart will just burst out of your chest and begin walking about in the shape of a majestic, little brown-eyed creature. There are times when just the thought of my LO makes me feel giddy, mushy, beaming with pure euphoric joy. And I realize I have the goofiest grin on my face.

Is it this exact feeling that accounts for women since the beginning of time, enduring the many physical discomforts (sore nipples are no joke, people) and down-right hideous pain of labor?  In those last contractions before LO entered the world, I thought I would soon be exiting it. I thought I couldn't endure anymore and that I would literally die from labor pains, not from complications but from the actual gut-wrenching contractions. Why would I do this to myself (with P's help, of course)?!!?

But I didn't die and the instant I curled my arms around her tiny, slimy body, I had my answer.

It's so inexplicable that a little thing that takes and takes and needs so much ends up giving you so much in return. I knew that now as a mother it was my turn to put my child first, as my mother always did for me. I was prepared to enter into a very non-symbiotic relationship. I would be the "GIVER" and LO would be the "TAKER." That was my expectation and I was ready.

What I wasn't expecting was to feel so grateful to her for giving me...I don't know...what does she give me exactly?  I take care of her every need which in a day can add up to many, many dirty bowls and corresponding diapers. It is a demanding job, this parenting business. Which is why it takes me exactly 20 seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. She certainly does not make my life easier (just putting on my makeup in the morning required me to purchase her own "makeup kit" to end the struggle), she does not compliment my many virtues (ha!), she does not even laugh at my silly jokes. Sounds like a terrible boyfriend! So I guess in the traditional sense of relationships, she does not give me much. It might even be termed "unhealthly" or "one-way" or whatever other terms people use to identify a severely disproportional relationship.

Yet I have never felt so fulfilled. So full of purpose and enthusiasm. So light. So loving. So confident in my place in this crazy world.

All that she's given me.  So who's the "TAKER" now?

Terribly Terrific Twos

It seems that from the moment you announce your pregnancy you are bombarded with cautionary tales about the most dreaded stage of childhood: The Terrible Twos.  Now isn't the point of a cautionary tale to forewarn you so can avoid the catastrophe? Here's the catch - there is NO escaping the Terrible Twos. If your child reaches the landmark age of two, you will basically be living with a bipolar, irrational, emotionally unstable (sounds like Lindsay Lohan) little tyrant until..._____??  Can other parents fill in the blank? Please say it ends soon. Feel free to lie.

LO becomes possessed with The Terrible Twos sporadically. She can have one wonderful episode-free day followed by the exact opposite.  I have long ago accepted that LO will misbehave...and often. That she will test every limit and push every boundary. It's in her precocious nature. But these Terrible Twos look very different from her usual mischief.

She's weepy. She's overly sensitive. She grins and immediately frowns. It's like living with Sybil...which LO am I going to get?? My fun-loving, goofy girl or LO the Lunatic? I know it sounds harsh but it really IS harsh. It's hard to witness. Especially if you're new to the game as I am.

I hug her tight and reassure her that she will someday cope better with all these emotions. Sometimes she accepts the hug and other times she stomps away in a fury.  It's difficult to accept that I can't "fix" it. When LO was a restless newborn, P and I bounced her on a huge exercise ball for hours on end to soothe her. When she was crawling and her knees would get scraped up, I discovered baby leg warmers. When she began interacting with other kids and a toy was yanked from her, I would distract her with another toy. I cannot distract her from this. It's an insult to her intelligence. It is very real and she's needs to go through it. I'm just on the sidelines with open arms. Alas, I try to remind myself that I've never heard the term "Terrible Threes."

At her two-year check up, her pediatrician asked about her general health and development. Thankfully, all is great on that front. When I mentioned her new emotional state and the accompanying "symptoms," he chuckled and shrugged. "That's all perfectly normal," he said. He went on to explain that the toddler and adolescent stages are the most emotionally tumultuous times in one's life. Then I remembered my high school days and suddenly sympathized with LO. That is a rough time.  Poor thing.

I'll be here now and when she's an awkward pre-teen with braces (she'll definitely be awkward and need braces if she's at all like me).  To hug her or to get the door slammed in my face. Either way, I'll be right there.

Still rocking the leg warmers. 

Concierge

Lately I find myself contemplating my next career move. Where does one go from being on a set for 14 hours a day, fanning down a sweaty, tomato-faced stunt man after he just flew out of a window in full armor? What job will fulfill my need for adventure and my addiction to being around eccentric, dramatic people? 

LO is certainly eccentric (running around the house with her diaper on her head) and she has all my Hollywood peeps beat in the dramatic department. She flings herself on the floor, instant tears spilling down her face, after a raisin falls out of her hand. Everything is so tragic at our household these days. 

Oh no, the episode of Yo Gabba Gabba finished: "WHAAA!" No you can't have another packet of fruit snacks: "WHAAA!!!."  Let's comb your hair: "WHAAA!!!  And yesterday I had the audacity of cheerfully saying "Good morning, my angel face" to which she threw herself in the crib and wailed "WHAAAA!" It's going to be a long day, I thought. 

And it was. 

But nobody is paying me to do this job. In fact, I'M paying a pre-school to get a break for a few hours.

So I need to find something that will have a financial benefit - not a liability - as a financial magazine once harshly but honestly defined children. They are expensive little creatures.  

And then it hit me: I need to be a concierge. Basically, that is my job description now. I meet the requests or more precisely - the demands - of a very discerning and difficult "guest". And I usually deliver on most with poise and grace (ok, that may be a stretch but I get the job done). 

For instance, as I was pulling out of our apartment and onto our street (which happens to be the feeder road of a busy freeway) LO screeches "GASSES, GASSES, peeze." At least I got a please. And no, the request has nothing to do with a bodily function. Luckily we are not at that gross stage yet or maybe we'll miss that altogether because she's girl? Anyhow, she's asking for her sunglasses. On our drive home from the hospital, little newborn LO squinted her eyes annoyingly at the sun in her face. I proudly exclaimed to P that she's just like me! She's definitely mine because she hated the sun in her eyes. Two years later, she's still the same. If the sun hits directly in her eyes, she'll scream in horror "Light, light" and cover her eyes with her hands.  

So as I try to avoid a collision with a zooming car, I reach in the backseat pocket to get her Dora glasses. What's next? A few moments later "Fiwawoak, Fiwawoak." She's asking for her jam of the moment, Katy Perry's "Firework." I put on the CD that P burned with all her favorites. Check. 

"AGUA, AGUA!" echoes from the backseat. "How do you ask?," I retort. "Agua, Agua, PEEZE." I reach into the fully stocked diaper bag beside me and hand her the sippy cup. She takes a swig.

"SNACK, SNACK!" "No snacks until we get to the park," I say. "SNACK, peeze," she beckons. 

"Nice words, LO, but you may not have a snack until the park," I answer.  Silence.  She got it. 

"SNACK, Mama, PEEEZE." Maybe not. When the explanation tactic doesn't work, I move onto the distraction tactic.  I reach in the car toy bag and pull out a book. "Would you like a book?" She gives me an enthusiastic "YEAH."

And we're barely at the first stop light on our journey to the park. It's going to be a long ride. 

Bring it!

Grump

I wrote this a few weeks ago and did not open this blog since. We have been so busy. Visitors were in town for P's birthday and we just returned from celebrating LO's 2nd birthday in our hometown (more to come about that).

I was unsure if I would share this, but as I re-read it now, I think that I will. Because my Grandpa was bold, he inspires me to act a little more boldly too. Please excuse the sloppy writing. I haven't done any editing to this.


I miss you. I didn't even realize how much until tonight. Everything is quiet and as I got ready for bed, your beaming smile flashed into my mind and I can't escape the pain. Nor do I want to. I want to feel it because I want to never forget you. Grandpa or Grump, as I lovingly called you, I sob tonight for the past year we all have lived without you. I understood that it was your time to go. I mourned your death as I celebrated your very well-lived life.  I knew that it would be okay to not see you anymore, because frankly, in the end you weren't the man that I knew. The disease erased you in the present. You were no longer my Grump. At the end you became only the shell of the person you were. It was as if the core of you had left before your body followed suit.

LO will never know you the way I did. And for that reason I sob tonight. I wish she had the same privilege that I had to know you. The experience of eating ice cream out of a tub with you, of eating your bacon waffles (morsels of crunchy bacon mixed in the batter), of playing canasta with you as you hid cards in your suit sleeve or of walking on your back barefoot for the promise of a Dairy Queen Blizzard. You are woven in the fabric of my childhood. You were always there. To pick me up from school so that I wouldn't be humilaited to walk the five blocks home in high school (so silly, I know). To talk to me about the night you met Grandma at that dance club in Manhattan Beach and your friend pursued her first while you smoothly waited to make your move. Or to share the pain you felt when your father disowned you for joining the Army during World War 2. You were a first generation American with parents from Mexico and yet you felt as American as any other citizen. You loved this country. Almost as much as you loved your family. You were a strong man, stubborn until the end. Frank Sinatra's "My Way" describes your point-of-view perfectly. You came from East LA, selling newspapers, you really had no business getting a scholarship to the most prestigious mining engineering school. I love the picture of your college graduation with Grandma and your four young kids (another 3 would follow). You were so handsome - with a touch of over-confidence that I wish I had inherited. 

I love you Grump and I miss you. Still. You would get a kick out of my daughter. She has the same zest for life that runs through my veins and I'm pretty sure comes from you. She's funny, wicked sharp and as you would say "a character." I know you would love her like you loved me, unconditionally. You made me feel special. I just wish you could make her feel that way too. Because it meant very much. 

As I wipe these tears from my face, I am not quite sure why tonight was the night I mourned you again. It's an ordinary night, nothing triggered this downpour of memories and emotions. Maybe you came to visit me tonight. I feel your presence as I write this and somehow I just know that you were never really gone and that you won't ever really leave us. You are here, you live on in your wife - my beautiful Grandma - your seven children, 14 grandchildren, 11 great-grandchildren. I think it is most fitting that your next great grandchild will be born on your birthday. On October 3rd, Alessia will enter this world and share your birthday forever. 

You really did do it your way, Grump!

Family Planning

I have baby on the brain lately. And by baby I do not mean LO, for LO is no longer a baby. She's a walking-talking-blooming little person.

I am talking about a "wahhh" baby. A nursing every-two-hours kind of baby, with wrinkly toes and chubby cheeks. LO had the yummiest cheeks as a baby. She has stretched out and lost the baby cheeks. Although she's still very yummy.

I think I want one - a baby. The fever is building. P and I had severe baby fever for over two years before we decided to go for LO. We would stare and ogle at toddlers at the park or grocery store. We were tot stalkers, in a non-criminal sort of way. Having LO was an emotional decision, not a practical one. We never discussed my biological clock, finances or any other valid point. Our hearts made the decision, not our brain. We thought we would have some time to deal with the practical factors but fate gave us LO right off the bat. First try. What a blessing! We cried mostly out of excitement and partly out of fear. Is this really happening so fast? Nine months is all we had to sort out the details. But as far as our hearts were concerned, this baby was long overdue.

When LO was one month, my friend asked if we had given any thought to when we want the next baby. What? But I have a brand new baby now. And I barely know what I'm doing with this one. She had some good arguments for getting on it again. The two would be close in age, buddies for life. And although it would be a hard few years, then we'd be done. True. But I didn't want to be "done" with anything. I wanted to give all of myself to this one baby. And I didn't think I could do that while growing another one. I wanted to fully experience the love, the fear, the euphoria, the frustration of this new relationship. I am sure other women can handle both beautifully, but I knew I could not and did not want to. So the idea of having babies one year apart was buried.

Then when LO was getting close to her first birthday, I revisited the idea. I did not feel the need for another baby yet. LO was still a baby in many ways - still nursing (not every two hours though!) and barely asserting some independence through crawling. But maybe we should try for baby # 2 now so the girls (I'm convinced another girl is in our future) will only be two years apart.  We can stay in our home town, where we had moved to from LA a few months prior, while I cooked the baby and have some family support during the arduous newborn stage. But then our plan of starting anew in Austin would be postponed even further. Plus, P was between jobs and my career was on hold. We had too many loose ends to add another baby to the mix. I shelved the baby idea again.

Now that we are semi-settled in Austin, I'm back to this baby issue. I get overwhelmed at the magnitude of this decision. The first time around it was more simple. The desire grew and grew until there was no other option than to take the leap. This time I am much more analytical. Is it because I know what is in store? I am now aware of the intensity and the commitment because I have lived it. It's like an out of body experience and I am barely, very slowly, coming back. I'm getting back to my own personal aspirations. Can I let that go already? Or would I be better at juggling the next time around?

I often wish I were one of those people who had a stringent life plan. A game plan, set in stone, so that you can refer to it when you are very confused (as I often am).  I follow a blurry outline for the future, full of beauty but just a bit out of focus, like a Monet landscape. I have a general direction I'd like to go in but the details are often murky.

For instance, my biggest dream in college was to spend a semester in Italy. Walking around the Florentine cobblestone streets and drinking cappuccino while contemplating the meaning of life was my vision. I was so blown away by the fact that I was going to ITALY (I just must be part Italian), that I never thought about all the traveling I could do while I was there.  It was the foam on my cappuccino, so to speak, to also explore Spain, France, and England. Now when I think back on that semester, Barcelona - with its mesmerizing architecture and vibrant streets - is as memorable and meaningful as Florence is to me.

When I got pregnant, I didn't think beyond LO. She was everything. Maybe Baby #2 is my Barcelona. But the question still remains: When?

Time

Where does it go? LO started "school" last week and I have been left pondering this question. The last two years have been enveloped in a foggy haze. A bittersweet, tender sort of hazing....full of sleepless nights, snuggles and the expansion of my heart.

Although she only goes to Pre-K two days a week for four hours, this is a monumental change in my life. For the last two years I have lost J (me) and gained LO. It was not demanded nor expected of me by P or anybody else for that matter. This full immersion into motherhood was self-imposed. It is not how I imagined it, but it was full-heartedly my choice. I always thought I would be the kind of woman who did it all; great marriage, a crazy love affair with my baby, successful career, many hobbies and charity work. All the while, maintaining an immaculate manicure and baking delicious treats regularly.

The reality looks quite different. I have managed to be (at least I think so) a good wife, a loving (bordering on obsessive) mother, a decent daughter and friend (I could step it up a notch), a formidable "housewife" (things are clean enough and homemade meals are prepared most days.) What happened to the thriving business endeavors and all that volunteering I was supposed to do? And forget about the manicure, my cuticles are as dry as this Texas drought.

When I dropped off LO on her first day of school, she rose to the occasion like a champion. She held back the tears as I waved goodbye because, for some strange reason, she is a brave almost-two year old. I have protected and nurtured her, but I wasn't aware that I had taught her courage. It probably has nothing to do with me. She may just be a natural warrior. She disconcertedly looked around the classroom at the hollering kids; her brown eyes as big as saucers. She was scared but as soon as she saw her good friend Elmo, she was ok.

I knew that she would love the experience of school. Coloring, P.E., music class, reading! She'll be in heaven with all those activities. I, on the other hand, did not have any activities planned. I was so busy packing her lunch and getting her backpack ready that I never thought about how I'd spend my time. I sat in the car (after wiping only a couple of tears) and thought "Now what?"

Although I am completely smitten with LO, do not think that I want or need to be with her every waking moment (it just works out that way sometimes). I love those precious hours when P takes her to the park or to their favorite establishment, Chuck E Cheese. I cherish the quiet grocery shopping experience, without a little voice repeating "BooBeBeeS" (blueberries) or "Banana" a million times in the produce section. There are nights when I count down the minutes to bed time, highly anticipating a bath and glass of wine. Why was this free time so hard to fill?

I did not want to go home. I made a rule that I would not use LO's school time to do housework or run errands. If she is enjoying enriching activities, I need to be also. I headed to my favorite coffee shop and sat. I did not drive-thru like I normally do with LO in tow. I read a newspaper (I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't read a paper since I had a subscription to the LA Times over two years ago). Once I finished the entire paper - I even read the sports section - I was stumped again. I did not have a book, my laptop, or even a pen and paper!

Although I wanted so desperately to be productive, I couldn't break my rule on the first day. But I could run to the post office, put gas, hit the grocery store. All in record time because I don't have to take LO in and out of the car seat. No, I must honor my time by doing something enriching. I could shop. But I'm not a window shopper and lack of funds makes actual shopping, well, impossible. And I'm quite sure shopping isn't considered an enriching pastime. What else? Two hours in and I declared LO's first day of school a bust. On my end. I was sure she was ripping it up, finger painting or shaking some maracas.

Was I jealous that my daughter was enjoying herself while I eavesdropped on a stranger's (very boring) business call in The Coffee Bean?

The answer was yes. I was bitter that I wasn't shaking maracas with her! Then the cutest little girl skipped in with her mom. The two of them...two peas in a pod. I missed my LO. How pathetic.

I pulled myself together and moseyed across the street to a bookstore while I chatted on the phone with an old friend. I felt better.

It was time. As I walked down the hall to her classroom I heard a familiar sob. Is that LO? What happened? Poor thing. It was too much for her.

LO ran to me with big crocodile tears running down her cheeks. "Mama, Mama," she shouted. Music to my ears. I picked her up and held her tight. "Mama is here, I missed you too," I reassured her.

She then pointed at her nose and said "Hurt Nose. Hurt Nose."

What? Ms. Teena interjected, "She was hit in the nose by a book right before you got here."

So she hasn't been crying incessantly for her mother? Nope. Not one cry until the nose incident.

LO calmed down, waved bye to Ms. Teena and said "C-ya Niños."

And just like that, I realized that my daughter had a life and I had to get one too.