Family Planning

I have baby on the brain lately. And by baby I do not mean LO, for LO is no longer a baby. She's a walking-talking-blooming little person.

I am talking about a "wahhh" baby. A nursing every-two-hours kind of baby, with wrinkly toes and chubby cheeks. LO had the yummiest cheeks as a baby. She has stretched out and lost the baby cheeks. Although she's still very yummy.

I think I want one - a baby. The fever is building. P and I had severe baby fever for over two years before we decided to go for LO. We would stare and ogle at toddlers at the park or grocery store. We were tot stalkers, in a non-criminal sort of way. Having LO was an emotional decision, not a practical one. We never discussed my biological clock, finances or any other valid point. Our hearts made the decision, not our brain. We thought we would have some time to deal with the practical factors but fate gave us LO right off the bat. First try. What a blessing! We cried mostly out of excitement and partly out of fear. Is this really happening so fast? Nine months is all we had to sort out the details. But as far as our hearts were concerned, this baby was long overdue.

When LO was one month, my friend asked if we had given any thought to when we want the next baby. What? But I have a brand new baby now. And I barely know what I'm doing with this one. She had some good arguments for getting on it again. The two would be close in age, buddies for life. And although it would be a hard few years, then we'd be done. True. But I didn't want to be "done" with anything. I wanted to give all of myself to this one baby. And I didn't think I could do that while growing another one. I wanted to fully experience the love, the fear, the euphoria, the frustration of this new relationship. I am sure other women can handle both beautifully, but I knew I could not and did not want to. So the idea of having babies one year apart was buried.

Then when LO was getting close to her first birthday, I revisited the idea. I did not feel the need for another baby yet. LO was still a baby in many ways - still nursing (not every two hours though!) and barely asserting some independence through crawling. But maybe we should try for baby # 2 now so the girls (I'm convinced another girl is in our future) will only be two years apart.  We can stay in our home town, where we had moved to from LA a few months prior, while I cooked the baby and have some family support during the arduous newborn stage. But then our plan of starting anew in Austin would be postponed even further. Plus, P was between jobs and my career was on hold. We had too many loose ends to add another baby to the mix. I shelved the baby idea again.

Now that we are semi-settled in Austin, I'm back to this baby issue. I get overwhelmed at the magnitude of this decision. The first time around it was more simple. The desire grew and grew until there was no other option than to take the leap. This time I am much more analytical. Is it because I know what is in store? I am now aware of the intensity and the commitment because I have lived it. It's like an out of body experience and I am barely, very slowly, coming back. I'm getting back to my own personal aspirations. Can I let that go already? Or would I be better at juggling the next time around?

I often wish I were one of those people who had a stringent life plan. A game plan, set in stone, so that you can refer to it when you are very confused (as I often am).  I follow a blurry outline for the future, full of beauty but just a bit out of focus, like a Monet landscape. I have a general direction I'd like to go in but the details are often murky.

For instance, my biggest dream in college was to spend a semester in Italy. Walking around the Florentine cobblestone streets and drinking cappuccino while contemplating the meaning of life was my vision. I was so blown away by the fact that I was going to ITALY (I just must be part Italian), that I never thought about all the traveling I could do while I was there.  It was the foam on my cappuccino, so to speak, to also explore Spain, France, and England. Now when I think back on that semester, Barcelona - with its mesmerizing architecture and vibrant streets - is as memorable and meaningful as Florence is to me.

When I got pregnant, I didn't think beyond LO. She was everything. Maybe Baby #2 is my Barcelona. But the question still remains: When?