"Making a decision to have a child - it's momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"
Elizabeth Stone, author.
I read this somewhere and it has stuck with me. It describes motherhood exactly, precisely - does it not? Tiny tears form in my eyes as I write this. I attempt to conceal them for fear of being discovered. Fear of those around me catching on that I am in LOVE. Crazily, intoxicatingly IN LOVE with my LO.
While lazily sipping my latte, as I often do while LO is at school, the quote came to mind. Is it even possible to be so overcome with love? To be so full that it feels as though your heart will just burst out of your chest and begin walking about in the shape of a majestic, little brown-eyed creature. There are times when just the thought of my LO makes me feel giddy, mushy, beaming with pure euphoric joy. And I realize I have the goofiest grin on my face.
Is it this exact feeling that accounts for women since the beginning of time, enduring the many physical discomforts (sore nipples are no joke, people) and down-right hideous pain of labor? In those last contractions before LO entered the world, I thought I would soon be exiting it. I thought I couldn't endure anymore and that I would literally die from labor pains, not from complications but from the actual gut-wrenching contractions. Why would I do this to myself (with P's help, of course)?!!?
But I didn't die and the instant I curled my arms around her tiny, slimy body, I had my answer.
It's so inexplicable that a little thing that takes and takes and needs so much ends up giving you so much in return. I knew that now as a mother it was my turn to put my child first, as my mother always did for me. I was prepared to enter into a very non-symbiotic relationship. I would be the "GIVER" and LO would be the "TAKER." That was my expectation and I was ready.
What I wasn't expecting was to feel so grateful to her for giving me...I don't know...what does she give me exactly? I take care of her every need which in a day can add up to many, many dirty bowls and corresponding diapers. It is a demanding job, this parenting business. Which is why it takes me exactly 20 seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. She certainly does not make my life easier (just putting on my makeup in the morning required me to purchase her own "makeup kit" to end the struggle), she does not compliment my many virtues (ha!), she does not even laugh at my silly jokes. Sounds like a terrible boyfriend! So I guess in the traditional sense of relationships, she does not give me much. It might even be termed "unhealthly" or "one-way" or whatever other terms people use to identify a severely disproportional relationship.
Yet I have never felt so fulfilled. So full of purpose and enthusiasm. So light. So loving. So confident in my place in this crazy world.
All that she's given me. So who's the "TAKER" now?
Is it this exact feeling that accounts for women since the beginning of time, enduring the many physical discomforts (sore nipples are no joke, people) and down-right hideous pain of labor? In those last contractions before LO entered the world, I thought I would soon be exiting it. I thought I couldn't endure anymore and that I would literally die from labor pains, not from complications but from the actual gut-wrenching contractions. Why would I do this to myself (with P's help, of course)?!!?
But I didn't die and the instant I curled my arms around her tiny, slimy body, I had my answer.
It's so inexplicable that a little thing that takes and takes and needs so much ends up giving you so much in return. I knew that now as a mother it was my turn to put my child first, as my mother always did for me. I was prepared to enter into a very non-symbiotic relationship. I would be the "GIVER" and LO would be the "TAKER." That was my expectation and I was ready.
What I wasn't expecting was to feel so grateful to her for giving me...I don't know...what does she give me exactly? I take care of her every need which in a day can add up to many, many dirty bowls and corresponding diapers. It is a demanding job, this parenting business. Which is why it takes me exactly 20 seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. She certainly does not make my life easier (just putting on my makeup in the morning required me to purchase her own "makeup kit" to end the struggle), she does not compliment my many virtues (ha!), she does not even laugh at my silly jokes. Sounds like a terrible boyfriend! So I guess in the traditional sense of relationships, she does not give me much. It might even be termed "unhealthly" or "one-way" or whatever other terms people use to identify a severely disproportional relationship.
Yet I have never felt so fulfilled. So full of purpose and enthusiasm. So light. So loving. So confident in my place in this crazy world.
All that she's given me. So who's the "TAKER" now?
You are a one-in-a-million kind of Momma! LO is blessed and I am sooo proud of the woman you are! I love you both beyond words...
ReplyDeleteThanks Mama. LO is beyond lucky to have you as her Nona and I am to have you as MY mama!
ReplyDelete