L-O-V-E

He grew on me. Little by little, day by day, until he became ingrained in me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment or even the month when it happened, but around 12 years ago, I knew. I had a partner. Forever.

I had only just turned 21 when we got engaged. I was still a kid. Bright-eyed and anxious to begin "really" living. I craved adventure, independence and purpose. It's quite paradoxical that I would want to enter into a lifelong commitment - in the Catholic Church nonetheless - where they make it essentially impossible to reverse the deal.  But it made perfect sense to me.

We drove out west to Cali in a half-empty UHAUL, with nothing but $1000 in the bank (mostly from wedding gifts) and an amazingly generous uncle with a spare bedroom. There we were: newlyweds, on bunk beds, snuggling on the full-size bed on the bottom while using the top bunk for storage.

Fast-forward 5 years and we're headed back on I-10 East in an overflowing UHAUL with contents ranging from a baby crib to a foosball table. We're far from being settled but that's how we've liked it so far.  I'm not sure I ever want to be settled. It makes me anxious. See, I have many commitment phobias: to cities, to jobs, even to a particular cocktail. Sometimes it's a simple scotch and soda and at others a fancy French 75. It depends on the mood, the lighting, the weather. I have often wished I could be that girl with a signature look - like Gwen Stefani with that red lipstick or Katherine Hepburn with those killer pantsuits. I'm much too fickle for any of that.

Yet I never once had an inkling of a doubt to commit to P. Why? Was it a cosmic connection? My soulmate? Destiny? The romantic, Jane Austen-loving fool in me would like to think so. What I must have always known was that a life with P meant a life of freedom. Because when you're loved so honestly by another you cannot help but feel free to love yourself.  The good, the bad, the neurotic, the emotional human being that is me - I feel free to be me!  

I know we do a lot of stupid things when we are young but marrying P was the smartest thing I ever did.