All

Since I was last here,  LO turned 4 years old and ML is almost 11 months.  ML has been out of the womb longer than she was in it. It really is not a long time. I have canned goods that have been around longer (those anchovies that I swore I would use to add "umami" to my dishes are dusty in the dark corner of the pantry).  Yet I cannot even begin to imagine our family, our life, our hearts without her.  There was surely a gaping hole in our hearts before she filled it with her sweet smile and slobbery kisses.

LO has been out of the womb for as long as it takes to earn a college degree.  Although these past four years have been much more challenging and rigorous than any college course I took (my film degree wasn't exactly astrophysics).  I really didn't know what the hell I was going to do with my life after college. I certainly didn't feel prepared for any particular job. I just knew I would wing it. And that's exactly what I did. I figured it out. My first PA job I learned to write EVERYTHING down. From the Starbucks order to the cryptic message from Jon Voight to the director I was working for (for the record - that guy IS a weirdo!) I worked hard and I moved up. And then I gave it up to mother these two Sweettarts.

So here I am. Motherhood is quite different from school or a job.  Yes, I wing it.  And I most definitely work hard. But as a mom, you never move up (you only move up in age). You don't really know how you're doing. You don't have a yearly review. You are your own judge.  And we all know that is the harshest judge of all.  See, in essence, all that I dedicate myself to right now is being a good mother.  Of course I have other interests and responsibilities too, but first and foremost, I strive to rock at this. So when I don't, it can really weigh on me. And here's the thing, I screw up. A lot. Like everyday. It's just the way it goes.  I yell a little too much, have too little patience and take it all too seriously sometimes. I was always a bit of an over-achiever. Nothing like a genius or anything but, you know, pretty good at the things I put time into (or as my brothers used to call me, a "nerd-herd"). Yet there are days over here in Mamaland when I feel I have achieved ZILCH. All I did was survive and kept my kids alive. Days when I'm certainly not a nerd-herd parent.

Yet the small triumphs should not be overlooked.  In fact, they should be heralded. Because that is most often all that you will receive in validation that you are not completely sucking at this. When your kid comes up to you and kisses your leg just because.  When she shares her favorite toy with her baby sister.  When you see the anger fumes coming out of her head and she calms down (i.e.  doesn't throw a fit, fling something or yell) all on her own.  When she tells you: "Mami, I love you even when you put me in time-out." When she brings her Dad an ice pack when she overhears that his back hurts.  When she says things like: "Does God see EVERYTHING?? Even when I pick my nose??" These are all signs that you are indeed raising kind, considerate and humorous kids. Hey, when your social circle is made up of tots under 4 whose idea of a good time is playing "Trick or treat" again, you appreciate their sense of humor.  (In case you're dying to know - the gist of the game is you go up to her bedroom door and say "trick-or-treat" and she opens the door and compliments your pretend costume.  Repeat. 38 times.)

I guess I'm hard on myself and hard on my children (or child, rather; the baby got away with murder, almost literally, she practically killed me with her terrible snacking habit at night. I was a zombie for the last 10 months. Who said Baby #2 is easier?). But I am hard on us because I expect a lot from myself, from them, from our family. Because I know it's a privilege to be their mother. It's a privilege for us to have one another. I want to be the best I can be (my over-achieving habits die hard). Everyday I want to give it my all. I want to laugh loud, hug hard, teach wisely, guide gently and observe keenly.

But guess what? It's hard to do all these things all the time.  And I fail and fall short and squeak by. Yet as hard it is to measure up to my expectations, it is always easy to do the most important thing of all: love them.  This has come naturally. Loving them is easy and I'll always have that.  Even when I fail at everything else.  I have that.  Love. Always. Everyday. Every second.

It's hard to believe that I've been at this gig for four years. To say that parenting has been a challenge would be an understatement. But to say that I enjoy it would be an even greater understatement. I LOVE it. All of it.